Mindset. Control. Choices. Faith.
I was staring at the black screen of death.
Sigh. This is where Monday’s get a bad name.
I had things to do and this was NOT part of my plan. Yet…surprise! Life happens.
I’ve been thinking about control and choices a lot lately.
Now I was sitting facing those same issues.
No control, which I hate. And choices…
This is NOT where I was planning on going with this, I am sorry. Maybe this is something you need to read… or maybe it is just where my mind is…I’m rambling but I do have a point. I promise.
A month ago or so I broke my phone. Now I was staring at a broken computer.
The thoughts running through my head were mean, ugly and nasty. To say the least.
What We Control
See, I am a wee bit of a control freak. I like things done my way and I want them done when I want them done.
I know I have problems. *sigh*
However, AS a control freak I was thrilled and surprised when I came across this list in my feed on Facebook. I shared it on my page and admitted one thing I need to work on…
Did you notice I needed to work on what I say to myself? This is something I can control.
But I’m not very good at it. 🙁
I struggle with being nice to me. I’ve always struggled with being good enough.
Not a good enough mom.
Not a good enough wife.
Friend. Daughter. Worker…you know…it never ends. Blah!
However breaking my phone and computer were two things I couldn’t control.
Broken Technology…and Losing Faith
These two events shall we say, made me question my online business, my own self-worth, my abilities and what I was doing with my life?
Replacing my phone and computer would be major investments that would take time, money, and energy away from my family to pay for.
It might look like a simple, “Is it worth it?” question but ask any entrepreneur and that question becomes much more personal.
It becomes “Am I worth it?”
I don’t talk about this blog being my business much because…well, I don’t really know.
It is hard to explain what I do, per say.
How is encouraging moms to keep going when life gets tough a business? How is sharing fails, struggles, wins, and celebrations a business?
I gave myself 3 years to “make it”. Although, being super honest, I never defined making it? What does that even look like? What does success look like?
I invested time and energy and yes, money.
The phone was hard.
It was the first time I broke one…ever. I invested in an Otterbox but it turned out it was known issue with my phone 🙁 Not a mark on it but the LCD was a goner.
You can check Otterboxes on Amazon. It had saved all my phones for years and years!
I chose a Lifepoof this time around but I still prefer the Otterbox.
The Lifepoof echos and the whole house can hear your conversations, ugh! Bonus: The Lifepoof IS water proof if you need that option.
A month ago I replaced my phone which is essential for online videos and photos. As a blogger, I take a ton of photos.
It is how I share the REAL. Which I am very passionate about.
I do use stock photos because life is crazy but I try hard to make sure I include many of my own photos.
So you can be assured that you can work and homeschool and get an idea of what that might look like.
The computer was harder.
When I was looking at the black screen of death I questioned everything.
What was I doing?
What was the cost? Time? Money? Personally?
Living your life online is hard. People judge. They get nasty because you don’t do things their way.
And I am a BIG believer in doing things your way. What is best for your family.
I am a real person. I make mistakes. I screw up more than I wish I did. This is my life.
And it makes you question those of us who choose to share in this way. Are we crazy? Probably. Yet the need to see more “real moms” drives me.
I am so sick of feeling “less than” surrounded by Pinterest Perfect Homeschool Moms.
When I get moms who tell me they are so glad they are not alone in this struggle. It reminds me of why I started this journey.
To not be alone.
To hear someone say, “Me too.”
Having A Little Faith In Me.
Do you know how hard it is to have a little faith in me? I struggle.
I bounced these ideas off my husband, who has patiently listened over the last two years to my roller coaster ride even though he often complains he has no idea what I am talking about. Ha!
Yes, blogging, like homeschooling, is full of highs and lows. Sometimes they are all within 10 minutes. It can do a number on your self-esteem.
Although he doesn’t “get it”. He listened to me go back and forth of buying a new computer or not.
Is it worth the investment?
Am I worth the investment?
Is anyone reading?
Am I reaching my goal of encouraging others?
Am I just swimming against the tide and no one cares?
Does it even matter?
Do I matter?
Round and round I went. Sorry, you might not want to spend too much time in my head.
My husband stopped me mid rant and said, “This is who you are. So let’s get you a computer so you can get back to being you.”
In that moment he got it. It was kind of amazing.
My need to help others.
My need to not feel alone.
My need to connect but more importantly… he showed faith in me.
Now I needed to have faith in me.
We took a trip and got a computer.
FYI I had no idea what I needed. My last laptop was a gaming laptop from 7 years ago. I ended up with a ThinkPad (Like this one) in case you are wondering. I asked for a working d, lots of room for images, and nothing fancy.
Still Not There Yet.
When I was little I thought as a grown up I’d have this all figured out. I’d be one of those women you see walking down the street that look all together. You know what I mean?
Makeup just right.
Making the right choices.
Sure of what they are doing.
Instead, I am still flailing around.
My kids say I look like a crazy wrinkled raisin here….LOL Gotta love kids! Totally not together, failing and learning from my mistakes. LIFE!
This is me!
Still questioning every single choice I make.
Pretty sure I am majorly screwing up my kids.
Can I just admit how much I hate that? Why don’t I know? I am 37 for crying out loud! I should have it together…shouldn’t I?
I will say that over the last two years I’ve learned a ton. Maybe that is what life’s about. Not so much the destination but the life lessons along the way.
I keep circling back to that word over and over again.
This time I choose to believe in me.
I choose to have a little faith.
And for once I am looking forward to the journey… and I am so happy you are here.
I want to thank you so much for being a huge part of it.
For the comments you leave.
For the emails you send.
For the opinions you offer.
For the times you say, “Me too!” <3
If you made it to the bottom of this you are a Rock Star. I promised a point and it is quiet simple:
- Control what you can. Including the words you say to yourself.
- Choices are yours. Make the ones you feel fit YOU best.
- Lastly, whatever you are doing…have a little Faith and BELIEVE in yourself.
PS. In this article, I talk about the CHOICES we make in both our work and homeschool. I’d love for you to check it out and let me know what you think. READ: How To Know If You Are Doing Too Much